Why Do We Punish the Youthfulness We Envy in Our Kids?

Why is it that we punish the youthfulness in our children's lives that we so desire in our own lives?

I'll give you an example. Children are naturally honest. However, we train them to hide their natural feelings. We train them to say yes when they really mean no.

"How much broccoli would you like, Rachel?"
"None, Mommy," says Rachel.
"None? Let me rephrase. Eat your broccoli or go to bed."

"Would you like to go clean your room?" asks Mom.
"Nope, I'm watching cartoons," answers Greg.
"Did you just say no? Why don't you try another answer, mister."

In college, I had a class on communication that was very helpful to me. The professor actually spent the majority of the class time on training us how to communicate honestly. In class, we had to act out certain scenarios with each other and actually say no to our classmate. For example, my partner would say to me, "Will you help me with my homework tonight?" Instead of answering with, "I have a lot to do tonight, sorry," which of course would be a dishonest excuse, I had to answer, "No, I'd rather not," without apologizing at all for my negative response. It was extremely difficult for most of us in the class to respond, even in a fake exercise, with a truly honest answer. Why? Because we were punished for our honesty in our youth.

Let me give you another example. How many times as children were we told to "settle down," "sit still," or "stop getting so excited"? Yet as adults, how much money do we pay to try to re-create that energy and excitement? I just paid $180 for two tickets to a concert last week for that very reason. I wanted to have one night where I could dance in the hallways if I wanted to. Children naturally dance in the hallways! But as adults we continually squelch their natural enthusiasm because of our need for comfort and predictability. We don't want anyone to be "offended" by our child's spontaneous behavior. We don't want to have to move to the side of the hallway because a child is dancing down the center, as that would be undignified. Instead, we spend money on personal trainers to try to motivate us to get movement back into our lives. We collectively pay millions to watch an actor who hasn't lost his childlike energy (Johnny Depp anyone?). All of this because the natural enthusiasm in us was hijacked by well-meaning adults.

OK, one more example. Children are naturally "themselves." My son, for example, is an introvert and needs alone time. There have been times when his need for alone time has made other people very uncomfortable. In fact, his first babysitter, when he was an infant, quit because he didn't respond to her methods of putting babies to sleep. She was used to coddling, rocking and snuggling babies to sleep. However, my son didn't respond to that method - he just wanted to be put in his crib and left alone. She couldn't deal with that, so she quit. Now, at age 4, he still enjoys playing outside alone with his trucks, and is the most well-behaved when other children aren't around. But I know what is going to happen when he starts school. Extroverted children are the most rewarded in school. The children who are outgoing, bubbly and go with the crowd are the most loved by teachers and the most popular. My son is not going to be one of those children. So, he is going to need to find a way to fit in the system without changing himself. Hopefully he will stay true to himself, but there will be people who will try to change him. I know, because I have a similar personality. I tried to re-invent myself in junior high - I tried to become an extrovert. That caused me to feel uncomfortable about myself for some time. I still loved my school experience, but it took me until college to realize that my natural personality was just as valid as what I thought was the "norm" personality. As an adult, I have had to re-learn my natural self. And I know I'm not the only one, because I often hear on reality shows, "be true to yourself, man, and your music (dancing, fill in whatever) will be so much better."

The above are just three examples of ways that we look down upon the youthfulness of children, and yet spend millions of dollars to reclaim that youthfulness for ourselves as adults. I am challenging all of us to rethink the rules we put upon our children. As parents, we need to enforce only the rules we truly believe in for our children. We shouldn't let "society" write those rules for us.